21st Apr2009

One…Two…Three…

by The Boss

Do you count to 3 when you’re trying to get your children to obey you? Someone was asking me this yesterday. I’ve tried this strategy…maybe twice since I’ve had children. Both times went exactly the same way.

“Clean your room!”

“We’re playing robots!”

“You need to clean your room”

“OK”

::5 minutes later::

“Clean. Your. Room.”

Everyone starts crying, “It’s not faaaaaiiiiirrrrr!”

I start counting, “One…”

Everyone stops crying and chimes in,  “Two…Three…Four…Five…”

I don’t know why I’ve even bothered trying, it never worked on me

“Brandice, go clean your room.”

::watching You Can’t Do That On Television::  “Ummm….later.”

“One…”

::blocking his voice from my mind:::

“Two…”

::wondering if he’s going to follow through::

“Two and a half…”

::He’s totally bluffing:: “10 more minutes”

“I said now!”

“You said, ‘Two and a half…’”

Then my dad becomes exasperated and calls my mother. Then he tells her, to tell me to clean my room. Then my mother jokes, “Brandice, I’m not going to tell you but 9 more times.”

Eventually, I got spanked, but I never cleaned my room.

It never worked on me, because rarely did anything happen once anyone counted to 3. It doesn’t work for me, because I always start smiling when they start counting. Then my “mean mom cover” is blown.

Category : Memoirs, The Children
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03rd Feb2009

I’m off like a dirty shirt

by The Boss

Dude and Dudettes, I want you to know that I feel like crap. I want to blog but my brain will not function.

Today I took Zoe to the doctor and we sat in a overcrowded waiting room filled with a bunch of other sick people, and one guy with an iPhone reading magazines to his 18 month old daughter. He was my favorite. Everyone else was kind of grumpy.

Then I saw the doctor, and she informed me that there was no science to cold medicine and that it probably didn’t work. It might, however, have a placebo effect and that if I needed to use some that would be fine. I wasn’t aware that a “placebo effect” worked on 5 month old babies, I also never asked about cold medicine, I asked about Tylenol. But hey, it was educational.

Doctors can be really weird. I was actually in the salon a few weeks ago, and so was this doctor. It was amusing to me, to hear her talk about all the good she felt like she did in her practice. She didn’t realize that I was the mother to 4 of her patients and that she never really did us any good. I’m planning on changing doctors soon. She seems more focused on what she knows, than she is focused on the actual patient.

That doesn’t necessarily make her a bad doctor, but it makes her an annoying one. We don’t really click, is what I am trying to say.  I don’t mean to sound so mean, but she’s been mean to me a few times, and obviously I’m still bitter.

My boys went to stay with their Aunt Laura this morning. I was trying to wake Andrew up to get him dressed. I tried everything from tempting him with food to a firm “get up now!” But when I said, “You have to get ready to go to Aunt Laura’s!” His popped up so fast he almost knocked me out. When he sat down at the breakfast table, I heard him say, “Aunt Laura’s house is going to be perfect.”

AND THEN he dressed himself without any complaint. AND PUT HIS SOCKS ON. It was “My Birthday Month Miracle.”

That’s right people, February is my birthday month. And yes, I celebrate all month long. This tradition has been going on since I met Mia when I was 14. See, her birthday is also this month and we insisted on making it known to the world. She doesn’t like people to know about her birthday anymore. So, I am not allowed to tell you that it’s February 23rd, the day before mine. Sorry. I’d love to be specific about it, but I can’t. She’s so secretive and all. Just remember that February 23, 1981 means nothing to you. Nothing.

The icing on the cake is that Laura’s birthday is the 26th of February, and we are celebrating all month long. February is the best month to be born in. You should all consider planning your pregnancies so that your children can be born in February, the sacred month of Brandice… and Laura and Mia and love and stuff.

Category : The Children
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4 Comm
13th Jan2009

I’m getting really tired of having to name posts.

by The Boss

This morning, I loaded the kids in the car, buckled them in, and put the car in reverse. I put my foot on the gas pedal, and as the back tires of van touched the edge of my driveway, Andrew said, “Are we there yet?”

“No! We’re not THERE yet!”

Andrew is amazing. We don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things like, drinking water; changing the Thomas shirt he’s worn 5 days in a row; cleaning his room; punching his brother in the head; and treating our visitors like they are the monkey bars at a play ground.

I do however agree with him 100% when he says things like, “Mommy, I’m a great boy!” or “Mommy, I’m awesome! or “Mommy, are you crazy?”

Now, I need your help. I’m writing a guest post for The Cupcake Cafe. She said I could write about anything, which made me think of being in my English class in High School, and the teacher would say, “Write a paper, about whatever you want.”

“Can’t you give us something specific? You really expect me to really just think of a subject, and THEN write about it?”

“Fine, write an argumentative essay about the lottery telling me why you think it should be legal or illegal in Alabama.”

“I’d rather write about the mental anguish and unnecessary  harm that homework assignments have caused me and my family.”

“Too late.”

So, I said that to say…

Give me some ideas, or I might ask Tara and then she might give me a topic and then I might not want to write about that. In general, I don’t write about “topics.” No, that would require commitment and focus. Two things, I don’t have. Also, most likely I wont write about the topic you suggest either, but please, just cooperate. Don’t make me beg.

Category : Memoirs, The Children
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3 Comm
08th Jan2009

Overlaod

by The Boss

It takes me 15 minutes to get to, or from Aidan’s school. In our 15 minute car ride home today, she asked me the following questions:

1.”I missed you at nap time mommy. What does “missed” mean?”

“It’s when you want to see someone.”

2. “Like I want to see Grandpa?”

“Yes.”

3.”Where are Grandma and Grandpa going to live when they’re here?”

“They won’t be living with anyone, they’ll be sleeping at Uncle Micah’s house.”

4.” Does Grandpa walk with a walking stick?”

“No.”

5. “Why?”

“He doesn’t need one.”

6. “Why?”

“Because he can walk.”

7. “Why does Papaw (my grandfather) need a walking stick?”

“Because he can’t walk without it.”

8. “So why doesn’t Grandpa use a walking stick.?”

“Because, He. Can. Walk.”

“Oh yeah.”

9. “When will they be here?”

“Tonight sometime.”

“I thought you said they’d be here today.”

“By the time they get here from the airport, it will be dark.”

10. “What if it’s dark while they’re in the plane?”

“It wont be dark while they’re in the plane. Plus, planes can fly in the dark. So, nothing to worry about.”

9. “But where will they sleep in the plane?”

“They wont be sleeping in the plane. But if they did, they’d just sleep in their seats.”

“Oh!”

10. “Do Crocodiles live in that water?”

“No, they don’t.”

11. “How about fish? Do fish live in that water?”

“I think that water is from all the rain we’ve been getting. It’s not an actual pond, or river.”

12. “Why does the wind blow all by itself?”

“I’m not sure if I know how to answer that, we’ll have to look it up in a Science book.”

13. ” Do we have a Science book?”

“Yes, somewhere.”

“Hmmm…maybe I’ll just ask God.”

14. “How does the sun keep us alive?”

“Well, it gives light to the plants, and the plants make oxygen so we can breathe.”

15. ” How do plants makes oxygen?”

“It’s called Photosynthesis.”

16.”What if Grandma and Grandpa, don’t come here?”

“Aidan, everything is fine. Stop worrying, and go with the flow.”

17.”What does “flow” mean?”

“Aidan, you’ve reached your question quota for the hour”

Category : Memoirs, The Children
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2 Comm
07th Jan2009

It could be a long day.

by The Boss

Tonight is Friend Night. That is just a friendly reminder, in case friend Ben is reading. We changed the day this week, because my in-laws are coming in tomorrow night. So, he asked me to remind him, like I would EVER let him forget. So, I’ve reminded him by a text message, a tweet, gtalk, email, and now a blog post. I like to give him that feeling that I am inescapable, because I am. I’d like to think that creeps him out just a little. ::insert evil cackle here::

I woke up a whole hour late today. When I wake up late on school days, I try to convince myself that Aidan has a cold so I don’t have to even bother. I’ll say something like, “Aidan we have to go really fast this morning or you’ll be late for school.” And then I’ll say, “Do you just want to stay home today?” It never works, she loves school. Then I’ll say, “Does your throat hurt?”  “Nooooo  mommy!”

I’ve been looking for reasons to get out of school since I was in Kindergarten. I usually succeeded too. I just told my mom that I didn’t feel good and then I give a fake little cough, and I’d be watching You Can’t Do That on Television, all day long. Thankfully, Aidan loves school. So I wont be teaching her how to write her own excuses in 4th grade, like my mom taught me.

My mom would also be like, “you want to stay out of school today and go shopping?”

“Yes Ma’am.”

Of course, I would want a friend to go, so we would talk Bekah’s mom into letting her go too. [Hi Bekah!]

So, that’s why I am unreliable and unable to commit to things. But I am happy with it. I’d like to think it makes me unique.

Note: To leave a comment on a featured post, you just click on the title. Sometimes, I forget to put a title on a post and that makes it difficult for people to leave comments on featured post. Now, as soon as you leave a comment you may return to your life, but not until you leave a comment.

…and yes, I am talking to you.

Category : Memoirs, The Children
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5 Comm
06th Jan2009

And the winner is…

by The Boss

I’ve been on twitter for a while now. I have a great many followers but, I feel it may have been a, “hey, you follow me, I follow you” type of thing. Plus, I have been following like 700 people, which it is impossible to keep up with 700 people on twitter. I’ve tried, but my children are starving because I can’t stop reading all these tweets. I mean, you have to tweet everything on twitter. Everything.

So, I made a new account so I can actually keep up with the folks I know on twitter and keep up with the tweets from the people I have tried to maintain an online relationship with. I’ve gone from 689 followers to like 9. But it feels honest. If you’re on twitter, and you’d REALLY like to follow me, because you want to know when I’m looking for my deoderant, you can, @ABossyBlog.

Anywho, my in-laws are coming this week. I am suppose to help a friend clean her house, and I have no idea where the free time to do that is going to come from. Maybe it will come from not reading 700 tweeters’ tweets. Also, I flipped a coin to see if I should focus more on blogging or sewing in 2009, sewing won. Don’t worry, I didn’t listen to the coin.

This morning, after all this talk of never getting married, Aidan told us she was going to marry one of her brothers. Ben said, “You can’t, it’s against the law to marry your siblings and cousins”

“But those are the only people I know!”

Thing is, we live in Alabama and I am just not sure Ben was right about that. I’m kidding! Hopefully.

AND, I have also decided to give the funniest blog award to Super Ninja Mommy at Two Under Two.  She got the most nominees. Plus, she made me giggle. So, go visit her, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. I know her blog will prosper, because of this amazing, coveted, blog award. I’m gonna make a little award graphic thingy, and send it to her! Other blogs that were nominated, and you should also read are, Foolery , Cupcakes For Dinner, Betty nominated her hubby’s blog, http://thejoereview.com/category/humor/, and I am telling you to read my sister-in-laws blog, The Life and Times of Laura. Oh, Oh, Oh! and My sister-in-laws sister, Beth has a blog, Please Mom, Don’t sing.  All good stuff, people. All good stuff.

Well, I have some very important tweeting to do. I also need to eat, and I still can’t find my deoderant, and that aint good. I don’t usually say, “aint” but it felt appropriate.

Later taters!

Category : Memoirs, The Children
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2 Comm
05th Jan2009

I’m Back. ::weeeeeeee::

by The Boss

Aidan has informed me that she needs another sister.

“I’m serious mom, I need another baby sister.”

“No.”

Later that day…

“Honey, did you hear that Aidan would like to have another baby sister?”

“Is she planning on taking care of her?”

“Daddy! I need a baby sister!”

“What if the next one is a boy?”

[ next one!?? What "next one" ?!!!! When he said that, it was like his voice reached God's ear, and instantaneously I became pregnant. I'm not, but it was very very scary.]

“Aidan, why do you need another baby sister? You’ve got Zoe.”

“OK, Look, ” She says, “I need another baby sister to help me with cleaning my bedroom. You’ve been giving me a lot of work in there.”

“That’s just silly, raising children for the purposes of child labor is mommy’s job.”

And then….

This morning, Andrew and I were having a conversation. The conversation ended abruptly when he said two words, “You’re crazy!”

I had to gain composure,  because I will only allow my children to call me “crazy” from the ages of 14 to 18. Before or after that, it is considered disrespectful.

I am sure (I hope) you all missed my blog while it was down. All this server, web host stuff, that I don’t really understand. My friend, Isaac, worked it all out for me. He’s super duper. Well, kind of, he’d be more super if he actually came over once in a while. But I wont go into all that right now.

Glad to have things up and running again.

Category : Memoirs, The Children
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5 Comm
29th Dec2008

No TV for you!

by The Boss

Do you ever think about how TV advertising affects your children? Aidan is a sucker when it comes to advertising. There is a commercial about Bendaroos, have you seen this one? The “Magical wax building  sticks” are for crafting, and “they never break!” Aidan tells me all the time that she needs those, because “they never break!”

“But mommy, they stick to stuff too”

“I can even color with them”

“They’ll stick to my wall, mom!”

You’ve seen the commercials where people are singing “Old McDonald had a farm” as they wash their hands. The idea is that this gets them to wash their hands for the right amount of time, to help wash away the germs. Most of the time, the boys insist on singing this as they wash their hands. The thing that bothers me about this is that I tried to get them to do this before they saw the commercial, and they would have nothing to do with it. Moms don’t know anything, the TV knows everything!

During the holidays, Aidan would tell me that I needed this scotch tape thing that went across my fingers because then I wouldn’t need help wrapping presents. She also told me that the paper cutter that went with it, cut the paper WAY better than scissors and much faster. “You need that mom, for real, you need it.”

Over the weekend we were watching a little cartoon on TV, and a Clorox Wand commercial came on. There was a very excited mom cleaning her toilet with the Wand, and it looked so easy and effortless. She was just so happy cleaning that toilet (she must have been high on marijuana.)

Aidan:”Wow mommy, you need that!”

Andrew yelling with excitement:”Mommy, do you want that for your birthday?!”

“Gee Andrew, if you ever actually peed in the toilet instead of around the toilet, then I am sure I could use that.”

Category : Featured, Memoirs, The Children
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23rd Dec2008

Tis the season

by The Boss

Yesterday, after my children asked me if they could wear their mittens and hats…inside, I thought I should check the thermostat to see what was up. It said it was 58, and the the thermostat was set for 65. I called my handy dandy brother-in-law, who’s a HVAC guy. He came over and then he told me a part needed to be replaced on my unit. Well, that’s fabulous.

It’s cold. Very, very cold. We have some electric wall heaters and some of those little heaters that you plug into the wall, the kind that look like little radiators. It’s not really warm enough though. My boys, the naked ones, have wanted 2 layers of clothes on since yesterday. So, I finally solved the whole “naked children” problem.

You should try it too. They wont even take clothes off long enough to change clothes. So, I’m not creating anymore laundry than I need to. When Summer gets here, I’ll go back to one allotted outfit a week…or two weeks. We’ll just play that part by ear.

I can hear little people foraging in the kitchen. I should throw some slop in the trough. Till tomorrow faithful readers!

Category : Memoirs
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2 Comm
22nd Dec2008

A very random Monday

by The Boss

First of all, let me just say that I plan to remain in my pajamas the entire day. I may get dressed to go to Hobby Lobby today, but I am considering making the trip in my pajamas.

Friday night was the Ugly Christmas Sweater party. If I decide not to be lazy today, I will share some pictures of what I concocted. First Aidan told me I looked like a rockstar. I think she said that because my hair is purple and black. She asked me where I was going, so I told her.

“Why are you going to a ugly party?”

“Because it’s fun.”

“What do you do at an ugly party?”

“See who can wear the ugliest Christmas sweater.”

“Well, you look ugly mommy!”

“uhh…Thanks?”

“Yeah! You look really ugly!” [This is the point she realizes saying "ugly" is fun.]

She knew that was the goal of the party, so she thought she was encouraging me. At first she was, but then…

For the 40th time: “Mommy, you look really ugly.”

“Aidan, you’re starting to give mommy a complex.”

“What’s a complex?”

Ben pipes in: “It’s a building.”

Saturday, we had Christmas with my dad’s family. It was fun. I love to be around my cousins. They’re the closest thing I had to siblings growing up. They used to be so easy to trick, not so much any more. Once I caught my one of my cousins smoking behind my grandmothers house. He immediately offered me money not to tell. I wasn’t planning on blackmailing him, but he offered, so I accepted. I think maybe, that I used to be mean or something. Fortunately, I grew out of all of that.

Today’s the first official day of Christmas break for Aidan. I love Christmas break. Every year, for 13 years, you get out of school for 2 weeks. You got to college and you get an even longer Christmas break. Then you start your real job, and when this time of year comes around, you expect your Christmas break. I feel like, everyone should get 2 weeks paid vacation this time of year. Even those poor retail workers. Get your shopping done early and let these poor people have a break.

Either my head is still foggy from this cold, or the few brain cells I have left after having 4 children, have finally thrown in the towel. I feel like a zombie.

As the new year approaches, I think back to 1992 on New Years Eve. I was a very dramatic 12 year old girl. I laid in my bed and cried because I felt sorry for 1992, and thought it was horrible that we had to say goodbye to it. I was singing that Boyz II Men version of the song, “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye, to Yesterday.”

Category : Featured, Memoirs, The Children
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