28th Mar2009

140 or less.

by The Boss

Sometimes, I feel like people relay too much information. Take my children for example, they always always always always tell me when they are going to the bathroom.

Living in this house is like being on Twitter. The people who live here announce every tiny minute detail of their existence, and sometimes that makes me want to hop a plane to the Caribbean and not come back for a month.

If my children we’re on Twitter…..

“@Mommy, I am eating my bread.”

“@Mommy, I am going to the bathroom.”

“@Mommy, I just saw Andrew punch Zion in the face”

“@Zoe, you’re so funny and adorable!”

“No, @Aidan! @Zoe is my sister!”

“@Andrew, waking mom up from a nap! It’s Lunch time!”

“@Zion, waiting on dad to get home from work. That means it’s supper time!”

“@Mommy, It morning time! Where’s my food?!!!!!”

“@EveryoneWhoLivesWithIn5MilesFromMyHouse I need my button”    Note: A button is Zion’s blanket.

“is tired from a long day of making Mommy think she is losing her mind.”

“Heck yes! Go Diego Go!”

“@Zion, Heck no! Don’t Diego Don’t! We’re watching Barbie Island Princess”

“missing my mom. She walked to the mailbox w/o me.”

“poopin’ my pants”

“waiting on mom to change my diaper”

“refusing to use the potty”

“the potty is for chumps”

Category : The Children
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11th Mar2009

More coffee please.

by The Boss

You know what I would love? I would love to be able to write about other stuff. By other stuff, I mean politics, or fashion ( please, maintain your laughter) or anything news worthy. Instead of that, I dwell on things like children and how they’re unable to see.

I think about how Aidan can ask me where to find her red sweater, and then not see it when I tell her where it is.

“Mommy, I need my red sweater.”

“It’s hanging on the back of your closet door.”

“I can’t see it.”

“That’s because you’re standing in the kitchen. Go to your room. Open your closet door. Look on the hooks that are hanging on your closet door. Reach up. Grasp sweater with your right hand.”

“OK.” She says, in an upbeat, kind of sounds like my mother, voice. Then, she walks into her room, and who knows what happens. Maybe she thinks her closet is Zoe’s closet. Maybe she thinks I said the bathroom the closet. Maybe, she has been abducted by aliens. But whatever happens when she goes into her room, it’s nothing I told her to do.”

“Mommy, I still didn’t see it.”

I walk into her room. Open the closet door. Look on the hooks that are hanging on her closet door. Reach up. Grasp the sweater with my right hand. At this point I want to scream, because it’s 7:00am and this is 15th thing I’ve had to locate. Then she says….

“Oh! I didn’t see that there. I guess my eyes were playing tricks on me.”

Children are blind. Also, they don’t hear very well. They’re practically deaf. Sometimes I think about Helen Keller and how she really isn’t that different from every other child. The only difference is that she had a caretaker who actually figured out how to communicate with her.  Maybe next time, I will write all my instructions on the palm of Aidan’s hand.

Category : The Children
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0 Comm
05th Mar2009

Serenity Now

by The Boss

I wish I could walk into my bathroom, brush my teeth, or pee, or put on makeup without a person (or persons) under 4 foot tall feeling the need to accompany me. I mean, is that too much to ask?  Sometimes I close the bathroom door, lock it, and slide the hot water heater up against the door. Even then….

::banging on bathroom door::

“Mom! Maaaaaaaaooooooommmmm!”

::not answering::

“Hey! Mom!”

::still not answering::

“MOMMMMMYYYYY!”

“Go away!”

“But, Mom!”

“Just give me a minute! When I get out of the bathroom, you can tell me what you need.”

“I need to ask you a question!”

“Can it wait till I’m out of the bathroom?”

“Hey, Mom!”

“Whaaaaaat?”

“Can you hear me?”

::smoke starts coming from my ears:: “Yes. I can hear you.”

“I need to ask you a question.”

::defeated:: “What’s your question?”

“What are you doing in there?”

Category : The Children
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2 Comm
04th Mar2009

Canipulation

by The Boss

I finally got Andrew to “write” today. I don’t push it because he gets so angry with himself, when he can’t do things perfectly. Then that leads to a meltdown and NOTHING gets accomplished. It’s not something that I ignore, I just try to approach it from a different angle. It all started with a fascination of 4 pencils sitting on the table this morning. He compared their sizes and decided he liked the “small one”.

I asked him if he’d like to practice writing today, and he said “YES!” I pulled out some bright fun yellow paper, and we began. We were practicing circles because circles are the shapes of train wheels, and nothing is more important that train wheels. Then we drew some straight lines on some paper, which immediately turned into a huge rectangle to make a big “Rhanus” from the Thomas the Tank Engine stories.  Then I asked him to try to make a zigzag. He responded with a firm, “No.” So I said, “If you try to make a zigzag I will give you some candy.”

He took my paper from me because it had fewer circles on it, and apparently he needed more space. I mean, when you mention the word candy or chocolate to this kid, he gets serious. Then he tried his best to make a zigzag. His points were more rounded than pointy, but he did a good job. More importantly, he was OK with it not being perfect. Then I asked him to put a smiley face in side one of his circles. He did, and then commented about how funny the smiley face looked.

People, this is what we call progress. Andrew is super smart, he just hates to do anything that requires a pencil or a crayon. He builds amazing things out of Legos and constructs “robots” out of different things in his room. Those are the things that make him proud of himself.  He felt good about himself after he drew something on his own, and that made me so happy.

Bill Cosby and Mortimer Ichobod Marker ain’t got nothing on me.

Category : Daily Video, Featured, The Children
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1 Comm
03rd Feb2009

I’m off like a dirty shirt

by The Boss

Dude and Dudettes, I want you to know that I feel like crap. I want to blog but my brain will not function.

Today I took Zoe to the doctor and we sat in a overcrowded waiting room filled with a bunch of other sick people, and one guy with an iPhone reading magazines to his 18 month old daughter. He was my favorite. Everyone else was kind of grumpy.

Then I saw the doctor, and she informed me that there was no science to cold medicine and that it probably didn’t work. It might, however, have a placebo effect and that if I needed to use some that would be fine. I wasn’t aware that a “placebo effect” worked on 5 month old babies, I also never asked about cold medicine, I asked about Tylenol. But hey, it was educational.

Doctors can be really weird. I was actually in the salon a few weeks ago, and so was this doctor. It was amusing to me, to hear her talk about all the good she felt like she did in her practice. She didn’t realize that I was the mother to 4 of her patients and that she never really did us any good. I’m planning on changing doctors soon. She seems more focused on what she knows, than she is focused on the actual patient.

That doesn’t necessarily make her a bad doctor, but it makes her an annoying one. We don’t really click, is what I am trying to say.  I don’t mean to sound so mean, but she’s been mean to me a few times, and obviously I’m still bitter.

My boys went to stay with their Aunt Laura this morning. I was trying to wake Andrew up to get him dressed. I tried everything from tempting him with food to a firm “get up now!” But when I said, “You have to get ready to go to Aunt Laura’s!” His popped up so fast he almost knocked me out. When he sat down at the breakfast table, I heard him say, “Aunt Laura’s house is going to be perfect.”

AND THEN he dressed himself without any complaint. AND PUT HIS SOCKS ON. It was “My Birthday Month Miracle.”

That’s right people, February is my birthday month. And yes, I celebrate all month long. This tradition has been going on since I met Mia when I was 14. See, her birthday is also this month and we insisted on making it known to the world. She doesn’t like people to know about her birthday anymore. So, I am not allowed to tell you that it’s February 23rd, the day before mine. Sorry. I’d love to be specific about it, but I can’t. She’s so secretive and all. Just remember that February 23, 1981 means nothing to you. Nothing.

The icing on the cake is that Laura’s birthday is the 26th of February, and we are celebrating all month long. February is the best month to be born in. You should all consider planning your pregnancies so that your children can be born in February, the sacred month of Brandice… and Laura and Mia and love and stuff.

Category : The Children
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4 Comm
27th Jan2009

This is what I get for reading to my children

by The Boss

I was reading Aidan a version of the “Puss-In-Boots” story. I didn’t pre-read the story, I just started reading, and it went something like this…

“ONCE UPON A TIME a miller died and left all he possessed to his three sons. But he only had these three things- his mill, his ahhhh, uhhhh…ummmm… ::whispers ass::, and his cat.”

My grandmother has a few words that most would consider swear words, but she doesn’t.  As far as she is concerned, Sh** is just sh**, and a** is a**. I think maybe, those words may have been slang when she was young, but I don’t think they were swear words.

I took this moment to talk to Aidan about the word, ass.  I told her that it was another word for donkey and that she might hear grown ups or even other kids say it, but that I did not want her to say that word, because it could be offensive to other people.

She just smiled like she always does, with her sweet little innocent face, and said:

“OK. So, I shouldn’t call people asses?”

“No, don’t do that.”

Category : The Children
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1 Comm
13th Jan2009

I’m getting really tired of having to name posts.

by The Boss

This morning, I loaded the kids in the car, buckled them in, and put the car in reverse. I put my foot on the gas pedal, and as the back tires of van touched the edge of my driveway, Andrew said, “Are we there yet?”

“No! We’re not THERE yet!”

Andrew is amazing. We don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things like, drinking water; changing the Thomas shirt he’s worn 5 days in a row; cleaning his room; punching his brother in the head; and treating our visitors like they are the monkey bars at a play ground.

I do however agree with him 100% when he says things like, “Mommy, I’m a great boy!” or “Mommy, I’m awesome! or “Mommy, are you crazy?”

Now, I need your help. I’m writing a guest post for The Cupcake Cafe. She said I could write about anything, which made me think of being in my English class in High School, and the teacher would say, “Write a paper, about whatever you want.”

“Can’t you give us something specific? You really expect me to really just think of a subject, and THEN write about it?”

“Fine, write an argumentative essay about the lottery telling me why you think it should be legal or illegal in Alabama.”

“I’d rather write about the mental anguish and unnecessary  harm that homework assignments have caused me and my family.”

“Too late.”

So, I said that to say…

Give me some ideas, or I might ask Tara and then she might give me a topic and then I might not want to write about that. In general, I don’t write about “topics.” No, that would require commitment and focus. Two things, I don’t have. Also, most likely I wont write about the topic you suggest either, but please, just cooperate. Don’t make me beg.

Category : Memoirs, The Children
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3 Comm
08th Jan2009

Overlaod

by The Boss

It takes me 15 minutes to get to, or from Aidan’s school. In our 15 minute car ride home today, she asked me the following questions:

1.”I missed you at nap time mommy. What does “missed” mean?”

“It’s when you want to see someone.”

2. “Like I want to see Grandpa?”

“Yes.”

3.”Where are Grandma and Grandpa going to live when they’re here?”

“They won’t be living with anyone, they’ll be sleeping at Uncle Micah’s house.”

4.” Does Grandpa walk with a walking stick?”

“No.”

5. “Why?”

“He doesn’t need one.”

6. “Why?”

“Because he can walk.”

7. “Why does Papaw (my grandfather) need a walking stick?”

“Because he can’t walk without it.”

8. “So why doesn’t Grandpa use a walking stick.?”

“Because, He. Can. Walk.”

“Oh yeah.”

9. “When will they be here?”

“Tonight sometime.”

“I thought you said they’d be here today.”

“By the time they get here from the airport, it will be dark.”

10. “What if it’s dark while they’re in the plane?”

“It wont be dark while they’re in the plane. Plus, planes can fly in the dark. So, nothing to worry about.”

9. “But where will they sleep in the plane?”

“They wont be sleeping in the plane. But if they did, they’d just sleep in their seats.”

“Oh!”

10. “Do Crocodiles live in that water?”

“No, they don’t.”

11. “How about fish? Do fish live in that water?”

“I think that water is from all the rain we’ve been getting. It’s not an actual pond, or river.”

12. “Why does the wind blow all by itself?”

“I’m not sure if I know how to answer that, we’ll have to look it up in a Science book.”

13. ” Do we have a Science book?”

“Yes, somewhere.”

“Hmmm…maybe I’ll just ask God.”

14. “How does the sun keep us alive?”

“Well, it gives light to the plants, and the plants make oxygen so we can breathe.”

15. ” How do plants makes oxygen?”

“It’s called Photosynthesis.”

16.”What if Grandma and Grandpa, don’t come here?”

“Aidan, everything is fine. Stop worrying, and go with the flow.”

17.”What does “flow” mean?”

“Aidan, you’ve reached your question quota for the hour”

Category : Memoirs, The Children
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2 Comm
07th Jan2009

It could be a long day.

by The Boss

Tonight is Friend Night. That is just a friendly reminder, in case friend Ben is reading. We changed the day this week, because my in-laws are coming in tomorrow night. So, he asked me to remind him, like I would EVER let him forget. So, I’ve reminded him by a text message, a tweet, gtalk, email, and now a blog post. I like to give him that feeling that I am inescapable, because I am. I’d like to think that creeps him out just a little. ::insert evil cackle here::

I woke up a whole hour late today. When I wake up late on school days, I try to convince myself that Aidan has a cold so I don’t have to even bother. I’ll say something like, “Aidan we have to go really fast this morning or you’ll be late for school.” And then I’ll say, “Do you just want to stay home today?” It never works, she loves school. Then I’ll say, “Does your throat hurt?”  “Nooooo  mommy!”

I’ve been looking for reasons to get out of school since I was in Kindergarten. I usually succeeded too. I just told my mom that I didn’t feel good and then I give a fake little cough, and I’d be watching You Can’t Do That on Television, all day long. Thankfully, Aidan loves school. So I wont be teaching her how to write her own excuses in 4th grade, like my mom taught me.

My mom would also be like, “you want to stay out of school today and go shopping?”

“Yes Ma’am.”

Of course, I would want a friend to go, so we would talk Bekah’s mom into letting her go too. [Hi Bekah!]

So, that’s why I am unreliable and unable to commit to things. But I am happy with it. I’d like to think it makes me unique.

Note: To leave a comment on a featured post, you just click on the title. Sometimes, I forget to put a title on a post and that makes it difficult for people to leave comments on featured post. Now, as soon as you leave a comment you may return to your life, but not until you leave a comment.

…and yes, I am talking to you.

Category : Memoirs, The Children
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5 Comm
06th Jan2009

And the winner is…

by The Boss

I’ve been on twitter for a while now. I have a great many followers but, I feel it may have been a, “hey, you follow me, I follow you” type of thing. Plus, I have been following like 700 people, which it is impossible to keep up with 700 people on twitter. I’ve tried, but my children are starving because I can’t stop reading all these tweets. I mean, you have to tweet everything on twitter. Everything.

So, I made a new account so I can actually keep up with the folks I know on twitter and keep up with the tweets from the people I have tried to maintain an online relationship with. I’ve gone from 689 followers to like 9. But it feels honest. If you’re on twitter, and you’d REALLY like to follow me, because you want to know when I’m looking for my deoderant, you can, @ABossyBlog.

Anywho, my in-laws are coming this week. I am suppose to help a friend clean her house, and I have no idea where the free time to do that is going to come from. Maybe it will come from not reading 700 tweeters’ tweets. Also, I flipped a coin to see if I should focus more on blogging or sewing in 2009, sewing won. Don’t worry, I didn’t listen to the coin.

This morning, after all this talk of never getting married, Aidan told us she was going to marry one of her brothers. Ben said, “You can’t, it’s against the law to marry your siblings and cousins”

“But those are the only people I know!”

Thing is, we live in Alabama and I am just not sure Ben was right about that. I’m kidding! Hopefully.

AND, I have also decided to give the funniest blog award to Super Ninja Mommy at Two Under Two.  She got the most nominees. Plus, she made me giggle. So, go visit her, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. I know her blog will prosper, because of this amazing, coveted, blog award. I’m gonna make a little award graphic thingy, and send it to her! Other blogs that were nominated, and you should also read are, Foolery , Cupcakes For Dinner, Betty nominated her hubby’s blog, http://thejoereview.com/category/humor/, and I am telling you to read my sister-in-laws blog, The Life and Times of Laura. Oh, Oh, Oh! and My sister-in-laws sister, Beth has a blog, Please Mom, Don’t sing.  All good stuff, people. All good stuff.

Well, I have some very important tweeting to do. I also need to eat, and I still can’t find my deoderant, and that aint good. I don’t usually say, “aint” but it felt appropriate.

Later taters!

Category : Memoirs, The Children
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2 Comm
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