15th Oct2010

Hello, my name is Brandice and I have a two year old.

by The Boss

Taking care of a two year old is like taking care of a drunk person. They ramble on and on but never actually form a complete sentence. Drunk people and two year olds should never drive, and neither have the ability to be logical. They pee on themselves, can’t walk in a straight line, and choose the worst times to fall asleep.  They have no concept of an inside voice, and think the world revolves around them. Both drunk people and two year olds, at least the ones I know, all prefer to be naked. They like to eat naked, and sleep naked, and play outside naked.

They only difference is that alcoholics (and their families) have a support group, but I’m not aware of any support groups for toddlers. Oh, I guess another difference is, you can’t charge a two year old with public indecency.

Category : The Children
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17th Aug2010

And The Crowd Goes Wild!

by The Boss

On Monday, we started our new homeschool year.  If the rest of the year is anything like the last two days, we are going to have so much fun!

Yesterday, the boys started learning the letter “I”. We sat down, and I showed them how to write it. I told them that capital “I” was like a tall man with a straight line for a hat, and a straight line for his shoes. Lowercase “i” was a short man with a little hat…or something like that. Then we went over the sound that “I” makes, and did some other things.

At the end of our little lesson, I said to Andrew, “OK! Now tell me what letter we learned today.” He looked at me and with a huge smile, he said, “The tall man with the hat!”  “Yes, Andrew, but what is the letter’s name?” He thought for a minute, and replied, “K!” He laughed. I asked him again, “What letter did we learn today?” He said, “Hmmm…let me ask Zion. Hey Zion! What letter did we learn today?” Zion smiled this huge smile and said, “K!”  Then they both just laughed a lot. I asked him again, “Do you think you can tell me the name of the letter we learned today? He thought for a second and said, “Wait Mom. Let me talk to my brain. My brain knows the name of the letter but he wont tell me.” Then he spoke to his brain, “Hey Brain! Do you think you can tell my Mom the name of the letter we learned today?” Then he looked at me and said, “Sorry, Mom. My brain said no. Maybe you should just tell me again.” I told him. He laughed…no…cackled and ran off to play.

I should say, that I wasn’t bothered that he didn’t know the name of the letter. He knew the sound it made. We were just having fun. So, today, we learned more about the letter “I” and numbers and all sorts of fun things. Later in the day, the boys were playing with their Lego’s and I told them they should build a capital “I” to show their dad when he got home from school. I told them not to worry about making a lower case “i”. Mostly because I didn’t think there was a way to make a lower case “i” with Lego’s. Obviously, I didn’t play with Lego’s very much as a child because 3 minutes later, Andrew popped up with these…

I kissed his face and told him how smart he was, and he said, “It’s OK Mom. I know I’m smart. You don’t have to kiss me.”

I assume Andrew is enjoying school because every so often he get’s excited and yells, “And the crowd goes wild! SCHOOL! SCHOOL! SCHOOL!” I’m assuming Zion is enjoying school too…

Category : Homeschool, Raising Boys
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20th Nov2009

RRRRESCUE PACK!

by The Boss

Andrew recently turned 5. Everyday for the last 3 months he has asked for a RESCUE PACK!

Note: For the purposes of this blog post every time you read RESCUE PACK! you have to throw one arm in the air as you leap for joy at the mere mention of…testing…1…2…3… RESCUE PACK!

Also, RESCUE PACK! is not a word that you say. It is a word you scream…no. Squeal. And you have to squeal it RRRRRRRESCUE PACK!

So, like I was saying, everyday for the last 3 months he has asked for a RESCUE PACK! Anytime we went to the store and someone approached us to compliment me on how awesome my children are, before anyone could speak Andrew would say…. “I’m getting a RESCUE PACK!”

When the man who was walking around our neighborhood passing out fliers for his church knocked on our door, Andrew answered and greeted him without taking a breath… “Hi! What’syourname? I’m getting a RESCUE PACK!”

When Andrew went with his father to Wal-Mart and Andrew spotted a lady in the store who had a RESCUE PACK! in her shopping cart, he did not hesitate in asking her for it. When this lady told Andrew that it was for her 3 year old son Will, Andrew decided within himself that Will would come to his birthday party and Will would give Andrew his RESCUE PACK!

I think Ben and I were equally surprised when we actually bought Andrew a RESCUE PACK! We make it a habit to never give into our children’s forty-five dollar deepest desires. I mean, we don’t want then to be spoiled or anything. I think we were hoping that actually buying it for him, might get him to shut up about it. And of course, that backfired.

The morning after Andrew’s birthday, RESCUE PACK! was at the breakfast table waiting on his milk and cereal with the rest of them. Then RESCUE PACK! wanted snack…and lunch…and a bath.

Now, instead of Andrew telling everyone he comes in contact with that he wants a RESCUE PACK! He tells everyone that he got a RESCUE PACK!

Category : Raising Boys
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2 Comm
10th Jul2009

Pride and Joy.

by The Boss

Three of my children crawled in my bed this morning. Zion discussed the need for his diaper to be changed. I explained to him that if he would just use the potty, we wouldn’t need to have this conversation. Andrew was curious where he came from, and who put him in my belly. I told him, “God you put there.” Then he argued that God did not put him there, but that he came from God’s heart. Andrew knows the answers to questions he asks, before he even asks them. He just wants to train you to answer correctly. Then he asked me if i had another baby in my tummy. I told him “NO” and grounded him for life. To which Aidan responded, “Andrew, Mommy does NOT want that many kids!”

Aidan was standing at the side of my bed. She had dressed herself, and was holding her journal and a pencil in her hand. She had made herself a to-do list and was showing me where she was in her day. She suddenly remembered that she had forgotten something, and asked me to hold her journal and pencil for safe keeping. I told her she could put it on my nightstand. She seemed hesitant, but then put her stuff down. She turned to her brothers, pointed her finger at them, and proceeded to give them strict instructions to NOT TOUCH HER STUFF while she was out of the room. I promise, they looked like they were not even aware she was speaking. I was thinking she seemed a little paranoid, or was just looking for an excuse to boss them around. Aidan walked out of our bedroom, and Andrew jumped up and ran over to the night stand. He gave her journal a quick tap with his finger, and quickly returned to what he was doing.

I laughed until tears ran out of my eyes. The whole incident made me so proud. Proud of Aidan’s bossiness. Proud of Andrew’s sneakiness. Proud. Proud. Proud.

Category : The Children
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03rd Jun2009

I had forgotten

by The Boss

This is Aidan’s 3rd day out of school. This morning, she started the day with, “Mommy, I’m ready to go back to school. I’m not sure August 6th is going to come fast enough.

She’s bored. So bored. So very very bored. I am just glad that I don’t have to load everyone in the car at 7:30 every morning. I’m so happy about not having to be anywhere. I haven’t even driven my car since Friday.

I had forgotten how much work a crawling baby is. I had forgotten what is what like for a baby to be at my feet all the time, or trying to swallow small plastic toys, or hating to be “jailed” in her crib, and how they think its hilarious when you use the word “no.” Yes, I had forgotten.

Found this at http://grannygreen.today.com/

broom handle

Category : The Children
Tags : ,
1 Comm
13th May2009

The proof is on your face

by The Boss

When Zion has done something he wasn’t supposed to, he always leaves the evidence on his face.

“Zion, have you been eating Raspberry Cream Cheese out of the container?”

“Nope.”

“Zion, how did you get that Raspberry Cream Cheese all over your face.”

“Ummm…”

“Have you been eating Raspberry Cream Cheese?”

“Ummm…yeah.”

Later on…

“Zion have been playing with the markers?”

“Nope.”

“What’s all over your face?”

“Ummm…green marker.”

“So you were playing with the markers?”

“Aidan gave them to me.”

Even later…

“Did you eat dirt while you were playing outside?”

“Ummm…nope.”

“What’s that all over your mouth?”

“Chocolate dirt…umm…Andrew made it.”

“Gross.”

Category : Raising Boys
Tags :
5 Comm
27th Apr2009

She tired.

by The Boss

This is possibly the first time I have relaxed in 4 days. It has been a whirlwind around here.

Friday I ate lunch with Aidan at her school. This is always entertaining to me, because kindergartners talk A LOT and tell you everything. The trick is not to get whiplash from trying to keep up with them all. I was especially happy to see all the boys rubbing ice cream on their faces, and showing their neighbor the food in their mouth. It was at that moment I realized my boys were normal.

Aidan turned 6 yesterday, and her cousin Anne came over to have a slumber party Friday night. They made a “show” for me which consisted of a poem reading and an explanation of a drawing. We played Pretty Pretty Princess, and painted fingernails. Then Anne told me all about how her dad never listens to her mom. I just tried to maintain my composure.

Saturday, I took the kids to the park to take pictures. The worst idea I had all weekend.

Sunday morning I awoke to Aidan at the side of my bed, asking me about birthday presents and if her first tooth would be loose today.

I have been so busy, and I have been SUPER irritable. I realized yesterday that I had not had anytime to read. Reading calms me down. I am going to grab a book, and my 3rd cup of coffee and hide in the closet.

Category : The Children
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21st Apr2009

One…Two…Three…

by The Boss

Do you count to 3 when you’re trying to get your children to obey you? Someone was asking me this yesterday. I’ve tried this strategy…maybe twice since I’ve had children. Both times went exactly the same way.

“Clean your room!”

“We’re playing robots!”

“You need to clean your room”

“OK”

::5 minutes later::

“Clean. Your. Room.”

Everyone starts crying, “It’s not faaaaaiiiiirrrrr!”

I start counting, “One…”

Everyone stops crying and chimes in,  “Two…Three…Four…Five…”

I don’t know why I’ve even bothered trying, it never worked on me

“Brandice, go clean your room.”

::watching You Can’t Do That On Television::  “Ummm….later.”

“One…”

::blocking his voice from my mind:::

“Two…”

::wondering if he’s going to follow through::

“Two and a half…”

::He’s totally bluffing:: “10 more minutes”

“I said now!”

“You said, ‘Two and a half…’”

Then my dad becomes exasperated and calls my mother. Then he tells her, to tell me to clean my room. Then my mother jokes, “Brandice, I’m not going to tell you but 9 more times.”

Eventually, I got spanked, but I never cleaned my room.

It never worked on me, because rarely did anything happen once anyone counted to 3. It doesn’t work for me, because I always start smiling when they start counting. Then my “mean mom cover” is blown.

Category : Memoirs, The Children
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16th Apr2009

Ingenuity

by The Boss

Even the adult boys I know will pee outside if that’s where they are when they feel the urge. I realized a little while back, that idea had not occurred to my boys yet. Then yesterday, Aidan came inside and told me a very interesting story about her brother.

“Andrew peed in a cup and mixed it with dirt to make chocolate.”

“Oh. Please go tell your Dad that story.”

Of course, Ben was proud.

Category : Raising Boys
Tags :
3 Comm
03rd Apr2009

They do say the darndest things.

by The Boss

This morning, we were sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. Everything was going fine. Zoe was in her stroller just hanging out. Andrew and Zion were enjoying the fact they had my complete attention for a while. They got to take turns sitting in my lap, and manipulating my face with their hands.

“Make a fish face Mommy”

“Say ahhhhhhh”

Zion climbed out of my lap, and Andrew climbed in my lap. Andrew took his little finger, and poked my boob. Then, he said in a very loud let’s make everyone look at us voice, “They’re like mountains!” He took his fingers, and acted like they were walking and said, “See you can climb them.”

After that, he lifted his shirt to show me his chest. Then he said, “See, you try.” Nothing I could say or do, could distract him. I’m fairly certain, my face was red. I didn’t even look up to see who else had heard our conversation until we were called back to the nurse. Everyone had huge smiles on their faces.

I take comfort in knowing that I can tell this story to his first girlfriend.

Category : Internet Finds, Raising Boys
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