29th Oct2010

Delegate. Don’t hate.

by The Boss

I have a one track mind. It’s hard for me to stop thinking about something that I want to be doing, and start thinking about something that needs to be done. It makes for a very unproductive day, everyday. I’ve been thinking I need a Nanny or a Housekeeper, but today I realized that I need a Secretary.

“Good morning, Brandice! Here is your coffee. Don’t forget you need to make the bed and unload the dishwasher! Oh…and you have 4 children. They are all waiting for breakfast at the table and they said if they have to eat oatmeal one more time they were moving out.” Then I could say, “Pack their bags.”

“Brandice, Andrew’s birthday is next weekend. Here are the plans he drew for his birthday cake. He wants it to be a robot, and he wants it to move like a real robot, but he doesn’t want anyone to eat this cake. He wants you to make a different cake for everyone to eat. ” Then I could say, “Forward these to his father.”

I would have her stand outside the bathroom, while I take long bubble baths. She could answer my phone and tell the kids I wont be back till evening and that it’s likely I will resemble a raisin and not to be alarmed.

However, people actually want to make money for their work and all I could offer this lady would be some snacks and the occasional pat on the back. I’ve tried using post-it notes to remind me of things, but I can’t remember to dust so they don’t stick to anything.

Long live chaos.

Category : Really Good Ideas
0 Comm
15th Oct2010

Hello, my name is Brandice and I have a two year old.

by The Boss

Taking care of a two year old is like taking care of a drunk person. They ramble on and on but never actually form a complete sentence. Drunk people and two year olds should never drive, and neither have the ability to be logical. They pee on themselves, can’t walk in a straight line, and choose the worst times to fall asleep.  They have no concept of an inside voice, and think the world revolves around them. Both drunk people and two year olds, at least the ones I know, all prefer to be naked. They like to eat naked, and sleep naked, and play outside naked.

They only difference is that alcoholics (and their families) have a support group, but I’m not aware of any support groups for toddlers. Oh, I guess another difference is, you can’t charge a two year old with public indecency.

Category : The Children
4 Comm
08th Sep2010

The Neverending Rant.

by The Boss

It happens ever so often. I walk into the grocery store, and some stranger’s eyes fall onto one of my children. They smile because of the adorableness oozing out of his or her pores. Then as they realize there are four of them, not one, their smile quickly fades. They actually look at me like I have committed a great offense against them; and usually mumble something that resembles, “You know what causes that, right!”

Or when I’m talking to someone and they ask, “Do you have any children of your own?” I respond, with a smile, “Yes, I have four!” Then they make their sour face, and say, “You don’t even look old enough to have four children. Your hands must be full!” Which wouldn’t be a terrible thing to say, if they weren’t belittling me with their tone and the expression on their face.

Then there’s my favorite, “Brandice must have taken the Bible literally when it said, ‘Be fruitful and multiply!’”

I always wonder what it would be like if I went in the store, and walked up to someone with one kid and started walking around their grocery cart, and picking up their groceries like I was searching for something. Then, when I couldn’t find another child, I would say, “OMG! You only have ONE child?! What is wrong with you? Ohhh…do you not know how to make babies?” In a perfect world, I would just happen to have some Childbirth Education charts in a bag that resembles the one Mary Poppins carried. I would spitefully educate this unsuspecting person on how one gets pregnant, and just for kicks, I’d throw in some parenting advice too.

I know that sounds like a ridiculous scenario. But when someone walks up to me and starts making their opinion known about my choice to have 4 children, it’s ridiculous to me. What do they expect me to say? Do they want me to say I regret it? Because I don’t. Do they want me to say how hard it is? It’s worth it. Do they want me to cry because of the financial strain? We have everything we need. What response are people looking for when they say that kind of thing?

Every morning, I wake up to at least one child in my bed. They usually have one leg across my face, and an elbow in their dad’s ear. As soon as my eyes open, a whistle sounds that only children can hear. The next thing I know, they are at my feet, telling me what they dreamed the night before. I receive hugs from sun up to sun down. I hear 154 Knock-Knock jokes a day, or 154 renditions of the same Knock-Knock joke. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I laugh till I cry.  I feel privileged to stay home with them. I feel honored to teach them. I choose this. It’s not a curse. I don’t feel unfortunate. I love my kids. They love us. They love each other.

I don’t expect my little rant to cause a domino effect of politeness and an understanding of boundaries to go roaring through the south; but getting this off my chest may keep me from yelling at an unsuspecting, well intentioned, Windbag.

Category : The Complaint Department
Tags :
3 Comm
18th Aug2010

Little Friend

by The Boss

Our neighbor found a Praying Mantis while working in her yard. She brought it over for us to study this week. The kids have loved watching him and drawing pictures of him. They like to eat other bugs, so we’ve been catching them for him and putting them in the cage. He liked to stay in the top of the cage and hang upside down.  He would wait a while. It seemed like he didn’t like us watching him catch his food and eat it. I keep saying, “him” but it may have been a “her”. Not sure. Anyway, when he caught his food he would hold it in his hands and eat it like an ear of corn.  Last night, I couldn’t go to sleep because I was afraid I hadn’t given him enough food for the day. So I decided we would let him go this morning, because I have enough people to feed :D

I think I want to make a little “Insect Zoo” for the kids to observe for a couple of days. Maybe I can do that, with few casualties.  We’ll see…

We took some pictures of our new friend before we set him free.

Category : Homeschool
0 Comm
17th Aug2010

And The Crowd Goes Wild!

by The Boss

On Monday, we started our new homeschool year.  If the rest of the year is anything like the last two days, we are going to have so much fun!

Yesterday, the boys started learning the letter “I”. We sat down, and I showed them how to write it. I told them that capital “I” was like a tall man with a straight line for a hat, and a straight line for his shoes. Lowercase “i” was a short man with a little hat…or something like that. Then we went over the sound that “I” makes, and did some other things.

At the end of our little lesson, I said to Andrew, “OK! Now tell me what letter we learned today.” He looked at me and with a huge smile, he said, “The tall man with the hat!”  “Yes, Andrew, but what is the letter’s name?” He thought for a minute, and replied, “K!” He laughed. I asked him again, “What letter did we learn today?” He said, “Hmmm…let me ask Zion. Hey Zion! What letter did we learn today?” Zion smiled this huge smile and said, “K!”  Then they both just laughed a lot. I asked him again, “Do you think you can tell me the name of the letter we learned today? He thought for a second and said, “Wait Mom. Let me talk to my brain. My brain knows the name of the letter but he wont tell me.” Then he spoke to his brain, “Hey Brain! Do you think you can tell my Mom the name of the letter we learned today?” Then he looked at me and said, “Sorry, Mom. My brain said no. Maybe you should just tell me again.” I told him. He laughed…no…cackled and ran off to play.

I should say, that I wasn’t bothered that he didn’t know the name of the letter. He knew the sound it made. We were just having fun. So, today, we learned more about the letter “I” and numbers and all sorts of fun things. Later in the day, the boys were playing with their Lego’s and I told them they should build a capital “I” to show their dad when he got home from school. I told them not to worry about making a lower case “i”. Mostly because I didn’t think there was a way to make a lower case “i” with Lego’s. Obviously, I didn’t play with Lego’s very much as a child because 3 minutes later, Andrew popped up with these…

I kissed his face and told him how smart he was, and he said, “It’s OK Mom. I know I’m smart. You don’t have to kiss me.”

I assume Andrew is enjoying school because every so often he get’s excited and yells, “And the crowd goes wild! SCHOOL! SCHOOL! SCHOOL!” I’m assuming Zion is enjoying school too…

Category : Homeschool, Raising Boys
0 Comm
13th Jun2010

I really should drink two cups of coffee before speaking

by The Boss

I was dragging this morning, I had a long night with one of the kids. While sipping my coffee, all of the sudden I remembered it was Father’s Day! It isn’t, but I don’t figure that out till later. So, I quickly yelled through the bathroom door to Ben, “Happy Father’s Day!” He replied, “Thanks! I didn’t know today was Father’s Day!”

I got on Facebook, and wondered why no one was saying “Happy Father’s Day to all you dad’s out there!”  “Come on Facebook! Stop being a big jerk!” In retrospect, I’m so glad I wasn’t all…

Brandice Williams Senecal GAH! Am I the only one who’s gonna wish all the dads out there a Happy Father’s Day! GEEZ!

Not only have I forgotten it’s Father’s Day, Ben has planned to go look at a bike for me today. When he leaves, I tell the kids to draw him some pictures, and every time they asked me if today was “the real Father’s Day” I said, “YES! Hurry up before he gets back!” I tell them they can use scissors and tape and anything they want, just make it special! They make a huge mess, and I am in the kitchen when Aidan yells, “MOM! Daddy’s got a surprise for you!” He bought me the bike. On Father’s Day.

Later on, Ben calls Jacob (his brother) and he doesn’t answer. I said, “It’s Father’s Day. They’re probably out doing something really special.” All the while wondering what amazing supper I’ll gonna make, to make up for this horrible thing I’ve done. Ben call’s Jacob’s cell, and starts to talk to him. Then he asks, “Got any special plans for Father’s Day?” Based on what Ben said, I’m pretty sure Jacob said, “It’s Father’s Day? Are you sure?” Then, Ben turned around and looked at the calendar and said, “You’re right, that’s next weekend.”

At this point, I just feel stupid. Then, I feel awesome because I got a new bike.

Happy Father’s Day on the Sunday before Father’s Day!

Category : Featured, Memoirs
Tags :
3 Comm
20th Nov2009

RRRRESCUE PACK!

by The Boss

Andrew recently turned 5. Everyday for the last 3 months he has asked for a RESCUE PACK!

Note: For the purposes of this blog post every time you read RESCUE PACK! you have to throw one arm in the air as you leap for joy at the mere mention of…testing…1…2…3… RESCUE PACK!

Also, RESCUE PACK! is not a word that you say. It is a word you scream…no. Squeal. And you have to squeal it RRRRRRRESCUE PACK!

So, like I was saying, everyday for the last 3 months he has asked for a RESCUE PACK! Anytime we went to the store and someone approached us to compliment me on how awesome my children are, before anyone could speak Andrew would say…. “I’m getting a RESCUE PACK!”

When the man who was walking around our neighborhood passing out fliers for his church knocked on our door, Andrew answered and greeted him without taking a breath… “Hi! What’syourname? I’m getting a RESCUE PACK!”

When Andrew went with his father to Wal-Mart and Andrew spotted a lady in the store who had a RESCUE PACK! in her shopping cart, he did not hesitate in asking her for it. When this lady told Andrew that it was for her 3 year old son Will, Andrew decided within himself that Will would come to his birthday party and Will would give Andrew his RESCUE PACK!

I think Ben and I were equally surprised when we actually bought Andrew a RESCUE PACK! We make it a habit to never give into our children’s forty-five dollar deepest desires. I mean, we don’t want then to be spoiled or anything. I think we were hoping that actually buying it for him, might get him to shut up about it. And of course, that backfired.

The morning after Andrew’s birthday, RESCUE PACK! was at the breakfast table waiting on his milk and cereal with the rest of them. Then RESCUE PACK! wanted snack…and lunch…and a bath.

Now, instead of Andrew telling everyone he comes in contact with that he wants a RESCUE PACK! He tells everyone that he got a RESCUE PACK!

Category : Raising Boys
Tags : ,
2 Comm
10th Jul2009

Pride and Joy.

by The Boss

Three of my children crawled in my bed this morning. Zion discussed the need for his diaper to be changed. I explained to him that if he would just use the potty, we wouldn’t need to have this conversation. Andrew was curious where he came from, and who put him in my belly. I told him, “God you put there.” Then he argued that God did not put him there, but that he came from God’s heart. Andrew knows the answers to questions he asks, before he even asks them. He just wants to train you to answer correctly. Then he asked me if i had another baby in my tummy. I told him “NO” and grounded him for life. To which Aidan responded, “Andrew, Mommy does NOT want that many kids!”

Aidan was standing at the side of my bed. She had dressed herself, and was holding her journal and a pencil in her hand. She had made herself a to-do list and was showing me where she was in her day. She suddenly remembered that she had forgotten something, and asked me to hold her journal and pencil for safe keeping. I told her she could put it on my nightstand. She seemed hesitant, but then put her stuff down. She turned to her brothers, pointed her finger at them, and proceeded to give them strict instructions to NOT TOUCH HER STUFF while she was out of the room. I promise, they looked like they were not even aware she was speaking. I was thinking she seemed a little paranoid, or was just looking for an excuse to boss them around. Aidan walked out of our bedroom, and Andrew jumped up and ran over to the night stand. He gave her journal a quick tap with his finger, and quickly returned to what he was doing.

I laughed until tears ran out of my eyes. The whole incident made me so proud. Proud of Aidan’s bossiness. Proud of Andrew’s sneakiness. Proud. Proud. Proud.

Category : The Children
Tags : ,
2 Comm
09th Jul2009

Oh, Fabulous Day.

by The Boss

This morning I sat on the couch, trying to rest my back and writing in my notebook. I told myself I would finish writing and jump in the shower before Zoe awoke from her nap. Then I proceeded in my Brandice ways and called Laura. Completely disregarding the plan I had just made in my head.

I asked Laura if I could borrow a book I saw once while rummaging secretly through her bookshelves. Well, it’s really wasn’t a secret, she always catches me. But I like to humor myself.

While I was talking to Laura, I could hear Zoe talking to herself in her crib. I told myself I still had plenty of time to get off the phone and jump in the shower. Then, of course, I got another call. I answered, talked for a minute, and finally decided it was time to get that shower out of the way.

When I walked out of the bathroom, Zoe was no longer talking in her sweet Zoe voice, but was screaming at the top of her lungs. I wondered what had made her so mad, and then thought she must have just lost her temper because I wasn’t right there to pick her up when she wanted to be picked up.

I opened the bedroom door and was slapped in the face with the smell of poop. Ahhhh…that’s what made her mad. I walked over to her crib to pick her up, and she had some how managed to poop outside of her diaper, without taking her diaper off. She had gotten poop everywhere in her crib and also played in it.

So glad I went ahead and got that shower out of the way.

Now, she’s had a bath, and I smell like poop. This day is going to be fabulous.

Category : The Complaint Department
Tags :
3 Comm
23rd Jun2009

Tiny Paranoid Brandice

by The Boss

In May, I got a speeding ticket. I was driving 60 in a 45.  The Police Officer said, “Your court date is set for June 23. I can’t change that date for you, but if you call this number, they can extend it for you”

I was a little bummed that I got a ticket, but realized I shouldn’t have been speeding in the first place. Before I go on, I’d like to say that I don’t expect to receive special treatment. However, clear communication is very helpful.

I called last week to see if I could have my court date extended. Turns out I was misinformed by the officer. They can’t really do that. I asked her why he would tell me that and she said, “I don’t know.”

Since I planned on just paying the ticket, and not going to Driving School, I called again yesterday to find out what I needed to do to pay the ticket. I had also lost my copy of the ticket so I wanted to make sure I didn’t need anything special once I got there. I said, I will be there today (Monday) or tomorrow (scheduled court date.)

First, my ticket was filed under my Maiden name. If I had not pressed her to look further, I would have thought it was thrown out, and there would be a warrant out for my arrest right now. Second, she told me that I didn’t need to see the Judge if I just wanted to pay the ticket. She told me it wouldn’t take long, and I said, “Good, because my kids will probably be with me.”

This morning, I took Zoe to the doctor for a check up.  After they gave her shots, we were on our way to the Municipal Court Building to pay my ticket. When I found a parking space, and got Zoe out of the car it was a little after 9AM.

Then I tried to give my money to the lady behind the glass and she said, “No. You have to see the Judge if you wait till your court date.”

“Ummmm…Why didn’t someone tell me that YESTERDAY WHEN I CALLED UP HERE AND ASKED WHAT THE PROCESS WOULD BE TO JUST. PAY. THE. TICKET.”

“I don’t know. You can go in the Court Room and ask her to give you the ticket and just bring it back in here to pay it.”

So, I walk to the courtroom. On the courtroom door was a sign that said, “NO CHILDREN ALLOWED IN COURTROOM.” Neat. I Walked up front and asked if I could do what the lady at the desk said…

“No, if you wait till your court date, you have to see the judge.”

“Why would she tell me I could ask for it then?”

“I don’t know.”

So, I walk to the back of the courtroom.  I stand there and wonder how long it’s going to take before Zoe gets cranky. I didn’t get her diaper bag out of the car because I wasn’t planning on being in there very long. It was then that I notice that the Judge wasn’t even in the courtroom. Everything was at a standstill. I thought about running to the car, but I was sure that they would call my name right when I left. Silly, silly assumptions.

The judge finally came back in around 10 o’clock. I guess it must have been around 10:30 when he took another break. This time, I ran to the car. Zoe was hungry. Also, in her eyes, a complete stranger had just held her down and stabbed her in both legs. So, she was a little grumpy.

My mother called about that time, and let me know she was on her way to the courthouse. I knew what was about to happen. She was going to walk in there, and see if she could get this whole situation moving faster. I got back in the courthouse and sat down, when I saw my mother enter in through the “Court Personnel Only” door. I watched her walk up to some women, start asking questions, and then begin to shake her head in a “oh well” kind of way.

She sat down, and made some comments about the system, and some people sitting beside me laughed and sort of “Amened” her. Then, she took Zoe back to Ben for me. Oh yeah, Ben stayed home today so that I could run my errands that weren’t suppose to take that long.

I sat and watched people go before the judge. I heard about Marajuana possession, along with drug paraphonailia. I heard how, it was EVERYONE’S first offense and listened to these lawyers plead for a second chance. I watched mothers stand behind their grown children and hope that the judge will let her child off this time. I listed to the Judge yell at these people and let them know that our court wasn’t going to be letting this type of thing slide anymore, as he he gave them a second chance.

Meanwhile, a lady sitting by me is calling everyone and their mother a “B-Word.” I mean, this lady moaned the whole time. She had something to say about everyone. Except the Judge, he had given her “chance after chance.”

Then a few girls got called up there. They had actually missed their first court date, and there had been warrants out for their arrest. Then, I had an anxiety attack. I just knew when I stood before that Judge he was going to inform me that I had missed my first court date.

I’m sure you’ve seen cartoons where the tiny angel is on one shoulder and the tiny devil is on the other. Well, tiny sane Brandice was on one shoulder and tiny paranoid Brandice was on my other shoulder. It went something like this..

“They would have told you when you called about the ticket yesterday if there was a warrant out for your arrest.”

“They didn’t tell me anything else I needed to know yesterday. Unless I thought to ask if there was a warrant, then I highly doubt they would have told me ANYTHING. Besides, it’s easier to arrest someone when they dont know they have warrants out for their arrest.”

“Yes, but you know for sure that your court date was today. You wrote it down in three places immediately.”

“This is me we’re talking about! I write the wrong thing down all the time! He’s going to have me arrested. I’m going to spend the next 30 days in jail and I’m going to have to work at the Recyling building to pay all my fines. My children will forget who I am, and my husband will meet someone else!”

The “B-Word Lady” was finally before the judge. He didn’t give her anymore chances and he told her he was going to “lock her up for the next 4 days.” I guess 4 days in jail equals 2 days in the Recycling building.

I decided that I would ask if I could go to driving school once I got up there. I just couldn’t figure out how to approach him on this. I had been watching him. People with tickets would walk up there, he would say, “How do you plead?” They would say, “Guilty.” Then he would send them on their way to pay. I kept thinking if I asked him about driving school, then he might get all “Judge Judy” on me. Tell me not to speak unless spoken to. After yelling at some other people, he finally called my name. He said..

“Mrs. TheBoss, you have a speeding violation. You don’t have anything on your record. You have 3 options today. You can plead guilty and pay $149, you can plead not guilty and I will schedule the trial or you can go to driving school.”

I said something along the lines of, “Word.”

This is what you need to know if you get a ticket:

1. You can pay your ticket at anytime BEFORE your scheduled court date and NOT have to sit in court till 3PM.

2. If you wait till the court date, you have to see the judge.

3. Apparently, at our Municipal Court Building they have a STRICT “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” policy. If you don’t ask them specifics, they will not volunteer additional helpful information to you. AND there is NOTHING you can do about it.

I didn’t eat all day, and I’ve on;y had coffee to drink. Ben went to work when I got home. I hope there are not lots of grammatical and spelling errors. Just keep them to yourself if there are. I’m not in the mood.

Holla.

Category : Conspiracy
Tags :
3 Comm
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