29th Oct2010

Delegate. Don’t hate.

by The Boss

I have a one track mind. It’s hard for me to stop thinking about something that I want to be doing, and start thinking about something that needs to be done. It makes for a very unproductive day, everyday. I’ve been thinking I need a Nanny or a Housekeeper, but today I realized that I need a Secretary.

“Good morning, Brandice! Here is your coffee. Don’t forget you need to make the bed and unload the dishwasher! Oh…and you have 4 children. They are all waiting for breakfast at the table and they said if they have to eat oatmeal one more time they were moving out.” Then I could say, “Pack their bags.”

“Brandice, Andrew’s birthday is next weekend. Here are the plans he drew for his birthday cake. He wants it to be a robot, and he wants it to move like a real robot, but he doesn’t want anyone to eat this cake. He wants you to make a different cake for everyone to eat. ” Then I could say, “Forward these to his father.”

I would have her stand outside the bathroom, while I take long bubble baths. She could answer my phone and tell the kids I wont be back till evening and that it’s likely I will resemble a raisin and not to be alarmed.

However, people actually want to make money for their work and all I could offer this lady would be some snacks and the occasional pat on the back. I’ve tried using post-it notes to remind me of things, but I can’t remember to dust so they don’t stick to anything.

Long live chaos.

15th Oct2010

Hello, my name is Brandice and I have a two year old.

by The Boss

Taking care of a two year old is like taking care of a drunk person. They ramble on and on but never actually form a complete sentence. Drunk people and two year olds should never drive, and neither have the ability to be logical. They pee on themselves, can’t walk in a straight line, and choose the worst times to fall asleep.  They have no concept of an inside voice, and think the world revolves around them. Both drunk people and two year olds, at least the ones I know, all prefer to be naked. They like to eat naked, and sleep naked, and play outside naked.

They only difference is that alcoholics (and their families) have a support group, but I’m not aware of any support groups for toddlers. Oh, I guess another difference is, you can’t charge a two year old with public indecency.